So mad I could die

Over the holidays, my dreams have not been good. I am naturally a morbid person, and my thoughts tend to bend towards the horrific and dreadfully dark. I can scare the shit out of myself like know one else I know. Along with my standard hodge podge bits and pieces of bad dreams, I have had two dreams in which I was so mad, that I thought I would die. One dream, was work related. Someone was criticizing my work and calling me incompetent. Not having a formal education, this can be a real sore spot with me, and I let the person berating me, have it with both barrells. I remember thinking that if I get any madder that I would die, or that I had max'd out my anger level and that I could not possibly get any madder. My second dream, was centered around my dad. I actually woke up angry from this one. In real life, he had called me stupid over wanting to sell my car and get another one. In real life, it sucks to be called stupid, especially by someone that is suppose to love you. I cannot remember what we were arguing about in my dream, but I guess that does not matter. He has always disliked me. I am not manly enough for him. I guess that I could get so mad , that I could have a heart attack and blow myself up. I have gotten so mad that I doubled over in pain, my stomach cramped up like I had the alien in there. As much as those to anger dreams stand out, among the holiday dreaming, my holidays have been okay. The months of January through Febuary are particulary dreary months here in Georgia. Lot of weird weather, warm and cold, lots of rain and mud...lots of brown. Thank god I am not working outside anymore. These early in the year days, would leave me starving from lack of work, or miserable because I had some. I will be forty this year, and I am not happy about it. Well, I am happy to be alive, I just don't like that 4 in front. I just got use to the three. I am such a different person than I was 20 years ago...in good ways and in bad. A new year is a scary time. The path is untravelled and full of weeds and wolves and god knows whatelse lying around the corner. You could be greeted by a big set of boobs or a fucking lump on one of your balls. I guess you know which one I prefer.